you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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