At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
