Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
This is the high leading the old right now
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
