i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
