i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
