No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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