it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
This is classic penis vs brain.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Come back. Shots need mouths.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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