Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
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