I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
