I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
