I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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