i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
