My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
