im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
