I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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