do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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