I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
