My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
