allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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