so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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