I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
