Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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