thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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