dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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