My first STD was from a foam party
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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