I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
two words: eviction party
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
