I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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