I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
