Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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