youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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