I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Randomize
