Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
