We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Randomize
