I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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