Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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