Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
