it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
