I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
