don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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