After last night, I could never be a politician.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
being pregnant is like rehab
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
