I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
