so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
