My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
