you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Randomize
