I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
