shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
