bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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