I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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