He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
