dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
