If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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