where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I'm too high and old for this...
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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