fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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