I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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