I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
