you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
