Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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