every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
