woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
