I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
