Taylor Swift is so right about you.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize