Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
