Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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