i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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