and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
